Monday, 2 January 2012

Conformists, Nonconformists and...

In the early 60s, Mad Magazine could read us like a book. Only a few details have changed. Hummingbird on toast, anyone?

According to Psychologists, most of us clods prefer to follow the “herd instinct” – that is, we prefer to think look and act alike – which makes us CONFORMISTS!

Now and then, however, a few clods with imagination break away from the “herd” – and try hard to think, look and act different – which makes them all NON-CONFORMISTS!

Only nowadays, more and more clods are trying to be different, so there are more and more NON-CONFORMISTS. And all these NON CONFORMISTS are so busy CONFORMING to not being CONFORMISTS they all wind up CONFORMING to their NON CONFORMISM!

All except for a small group of bravely idiotic MAD readers – to whom this article is dedicated – mainly because, in this article, we explain in nauseating detail…

HOW TO BE A MAD NON-CONFORMIST

PETS
ORDINARY CONFORMISTS raise parakeets, cocker spaniels, boxers, collies, turtles, snakes, cats, white mice, snakes and tropical fish.

ORDINARY NON-CONFORMISTS raise Russian wolfhounds, French poodles, Weimaraners, ocelots, minks, deodorized skunks and rhesus monkeys.

MAD NON-CONFORMISTS raise ant colonies, anteaters, falcons, leeches, octopi, anchovies, water buffaloes and performing fleas.

MOVIES
ORDINARY CONFORMISTS go in for uninspired Technicolor musicals, stories with happy endings, migraine-provoking Cinemascope, and 6 1/2-hour double features that destroy the eyes, ears, nose, and spine.

ORDINARY NON-CONFORMISTS patronize stuffy out-of-the-way movie houses that show "experimental" films, arty-type films, documentaries, and obscure foreign language pictures with the sub-titles in pidgin Swahili.

MAD NON-CONFORMISTS enjoy hand-cranked penny arcade machines which contain film classics like the Dempsey-Firpo fight, Sally Rand's Fan Dance, old Ben Turpin comedies, and Tom Mix pre-adult westerns.

MUSIC
ORDINARY CONFORMISTS
...play insipid show scores, dismal pop tunes conducted by Jackie Gleason, sickening dance music by Guy Lombardo, rock n’ roll hits by Ricky and Elvis, and occasional works of Gershwin and Tchaikovsky on complicated hi-fi sets.

ORDINARY NON-CONFORMISTS
...play obscure folk songs sung by obscure folk, dull chamber music played in dull chambers, Wagnerian operas in their entirety, Gregorian chants, and readings of minor Welsh poets on super-complicated hi-fi sets.

MAD NON-CONFORMISTS
...play bird calls, tap dancing and exercise lessons, transcriptions of Senate Committee hearings, Gallagher and Shean, The Singing Lady, and theme music from famous monster movies on easy-to-operate hand-wound victrolas.

CLOTHING
ORDINARY CONFORMISTS
…wear narrow-shouldered charcoal-grey Ivy league Suits, button-down shirts with tight collars, silly caps, cramped Italian style shoes. Females wear Empire dresses and shoes with spike heels that constantly break off.

ORDINARY NONCONFORMISTS
…wear sloppy-looking sweatshirts, grimy blue jeans, arch-crippling sandals, and scratchy beards. Among the females of this group, leotards are usually substituted for blue jeans, and the scratchy beards are optional.

MAD NONCONFORMISTS
…wear smart-looking MAD straitjackets, glamorous opera capes, roomy knickers, comfortable Keds, and light-weight pith helmets which offer good protection in bad weather and provide storage space for day’s lichee nuts.

READING
ORDINARY CONFORMISTS
… waste their time reading banal best sellers, trashy whodunits, dull popular magazines, sensational daily newspapers and commuter timetables.

ORDINARY NONCONFORMISTS
…go for childish science fiction novels and scientific magazines, arty paperbacks, boring literary journals, and anthologies of avant-garde poetry.

MAD NONCONFORMISTS
….read The roller Derby news, the pre-Civil War congressional Record, old Tom Swift books, and back copies of classfied telephone directories.

FOOD
ORDINARY CONFORMISTS
…prefer meals like on menu below:

Sam’s Chop House
tomato juice
celery and olives
vegetable soup
sirloin steak
green peas and carrots
French fried potatoes
hearts of lettuce salad
apple pie a la mode
coffee

ORDINARY NONCONFORMISTS
…prefer meals like on menu below:

Kerouac’s coffee shop
snails
sweetbreads
Vichyssoise
beef Bourguignon
wild rice
pommes de terre souffl├ęs
hearts of artichoke salad
Camembert cheese
caffe expresso

MAD NONCONFORMISTS
…prefer meals like on menu below:

NEUMAN’S WAY-OUT HOUSE
hummingbird tongues on toast
kippered guppy
puree of electric eel
flamingo under glass
creamed crab grass
sweet potato chips
hearts of cactus salad
licorice sherbert
moxie

You can see the original with the pictures here.

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