If you've read the fragments of autobiography I've posted here, you'll have worked out that I'm autistic. There's a lot of talk on Twitter among other autists (loathing of fluorescent lights, removal of labels from clothes). But there's also a lot of discussion between the neurotypical – and they know nothing! There's a weird trend for claiming that autists are really GOOD at things they struggle with, or are supposed to struggle with, such as "reading the room" and "being empathetic". Don't trust them.
They've been talking a lot about social "cues" (we're bad at spotting them), without apparently knowing what a "cue" is. If I make a long speech about ghosts and then turn to Oberon and say "But we are spirits of another sort", he then has to reply with another long speech. My last line is his cue.
But there's no point giving someone a cue if they haven't learned the speech.
The neurotypicals (NTs) often claim that social behaviour is so nuanced that it can't be put into words. They hate being told there are social conventions or rules. This is what I often tell them in reply:
I've sometimes found that what I didn't do was quite concrete, and it was perfectly possible for someone to tell me what to do.
Me: I never heard again from that nice man I was talking to at the party.
Friend: You do it all as you say goodbye. (I.e. arrange to meet again, swap phone numbers.)
Another story. I'd been in a job three months and was having the interview to see whether they wanted me to stay.
Employer: Your work is fine, we want you to stay but there's just one thing. You don't say "Good morning" when you arrive and "Good night" when you leave.
I did so from then on, wherever I worked. I hadn't known it was a thing. I was about 28.
In another job, a colleague told me off for never saying good morning and good night to the receptionist. I did so from then on and later heard that he thought I was the nicest person in the building.
But you should have seen what I did when they told me to make eye contact... No, not like that.
Here's a story from Diane Yap:
@RealDianeYap
My mom taught me this lesson when I was maybe seven. I was going on about something I found interesting and after a few minutes she cut in:
Did you notice how I haven't been responding at all?
Yeah?
That means I don't care. I don't care about this topic. I'm bored. I don't want to hear about this. When you talk to people, pay attention to whether or not they're responding to you. If they barely have anything to say, stop talking about whatever you're talking about. (She was direct – but she was also hurtful and rude.)
One problem I had was that I took literally the platitudes that are told to every child:
Be yourself.
Live in the moment.
Never think about what others are thinking about you (sometimes they add "Because they aren't.")
Don't copy other people.
Always tell the truth.
Be fair.
Treat everybody the same.
Try living by those precepts! It's hard. In fact it's impossible. And everyone around you is doing the opposite. I assumed they meant 100%, 24/7. They meant "about 5%". I was amazed to find people thought about me when I wasn't there.
The NTs know we have "literal, logical" minds. But they don't: so they don't really know what those words mean. And now they are wringing their hands over us, assuming our behaviour is deliberate and that we could just not do it.
It's a personality type – it's also a culture. There's an "autistic awareness" day for other people to become "aware" of us. But we don't have a day of our own. Where's our flag? Where's our parade!?
More autobiography here.
