"The" January Detox

It's really hard giving up drink for a month, isn't it? It is if you are a low-level alcoholic, like so many middle-class people. Are there any upsides? Well, it gives journalists an excuse to write about alcohol and their heroic intake even more than usual. "I really miss my drunk alter ego", says the Daily Telegraph's blogging "Dryathlete".

So here's a guide to drinking less while pretending not to.

Don't declare that you are detoxing.

Don't talk about booze.

Don't joke about booze.

Don't laugh at jokes about booze.

If you have any friends left... yes, that's the tricky part, isn't it?

Fortunately wikiHow has the answers.

Have you been, or will you be, in a situation where social drinking is expected? If you don't feel comfortable simply telling your peers that you do not drink, the following ideas may help you get through the situation.

Take a can of beer to the loo, pour it down the sink and fill up with water. (That would taste revolting.)

Have a drink in your hand but drink it slowly and occasionally go to the loo to tip some out.

Get someone else to "try" your drink.

Act drunker as the evening progresses.

Drink ginger ale ("beer") from a pint glass.

Drink a wine glass full of of tonic with a slice of lemon. Or a "rum and coke" (mocktails).

Go to the bar to get your own (soft) drink.

If someone asks what you want say you haven't decided.

Say you're on medication.

Offered a top-up, say: "Thanks, that's my limit."

Dump the shot on the bar floor, or into a plant pot when your "friends" are looking the other way. Placing your hand around an empty shot glass will make it appear full - then "drink" the air.

Here's more from wikiHow on How to Turn Down a Drink.

Decline gracefully, giving a polite excuse. (It doesn't really matter what it is: psychological studies have shown that people expect an explanation, but will accept almost anything.)

Order a "virgin" version of a regular cocktail.

Drink low-alcohol beer.

Create a diversion: chat, take photos, dance, eat snacks.

Take a drink and hold it: you don't have to drink it.

And finally... be assertive:

Don't attend future parties like this. If you have a hard time being firm, or this host has a hard time taking "no" for an answer, just don't go next time. When friends ask why you aren't attending, tell the truth. Say, "Well, last time I went, it seemed all anyone cared about was seeing me drink. I don't care to party that way (with alcohol or drugs) any more. Until I feel sure that my "no" will be accepted and I won't be badgered all night, I'm not going to go." That should take care of the problem, because your friends will pass what you said on to the host, and in the future, care will be taken not to offend you in this way again.

More You Are What You Eat (and Drink)

The Demon Drink

“What’s particularly interesting ... is the sense something previously thought of as a working class problem, actually has resonance across a broader social spectrum.” Frank Sooden of Alcohol Concern, Evening Standard April 4, 2008

“Few things mark where we stand in society more clearly than our attitude towards instant coffee.” cookery writer Nigel Slater

Upwards, Weybridges and Teales unite in condemning binge drinking, and youths (read chavs) taking over town centres at night. They are furious when statistics show that the worst soaks are the middle class heavy drinkers of the Home Counties.

Chavs are more numerous, and like living in public. And as Teales, Upwards and Weybridges age they go out a lot less and forget what other people are like. Chavs form crowds, which the middle classes find threatening. They like to go out in a crowd and raise their voices in public - one of the many ways they resemble the upper classes. At the same time Upwards moan that the British have lost the art of street life (they do it so much better on the continent), and that we should revive the spirit of carnival. They’re the ones who put on patronising local street festivals and wheel out the same old stilt-walking fire-eaters year after year.

Upwards got very into wine snobbery in the 70s. Now they just crack open any old bottle around 5pm. They used to look very askance if one of their number wanted to buy a takeaway coffee on a train journey (it would be the wrong kind of coffee from a common outlet and it would cost). You were just supposed to dehydrate for the entire journey. In the past 20 years, thanks to Starbucks, they’ve changed their minds and spend far too much on overpriced lattes.

The middle classes drink weak tea and strong coffee. Teales and Definitelies drink strong tea and weak coffee. Do you put the milk in your tea first or second? Samantha and Caroline put milk in tea last or not at all. Teales used to drink milky coffee with food - now they drink Snapple, or Innocent smoothies (Sam makes her own in an expensive retro Osterizer).

Mrs Definitely puts a PG Tips tea bag in a mug, pours in boiling water, mixes it around, pours in a lot of full-fat milk and mixes the bag around until the whole goes the colour of an old stocking. Sam forces her guests to drink Earl Grey tasting of sun-tan oil and adds milk so that it looks like dishwater. The strongest tea in her cupboard is English Breakfast. Her idea of a strong cup of tea is a cup of weak English Breakfast with not much milk in it. Caro offers Earl Grey without milk, or Darjeeling with. Arkana has a collection of herb teas which have passed their sell-by date. None of them would refer to “a tea” or “a coffee”, or “a drink” meaning tea or coffee. They’d say “a cup of tea”, and a “drink” is alcohol. Definitelies say “Time for a cuppa”.